


Desperation

by Phelpsgirlxxx



Series: Touch [1]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Affection, Angst, Bullying, Desire, Desperation, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, No Smut, Sad, Sad Nico di Angelo, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Touch-Starved, Touching, Touchy-Feely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27933058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phelpsgirlxxx/pseuds/Phelpsgirlxxx
Summary: All Nico wants is affectionate touch of someone, of anyone... he was deluding himself however, he knew that, because why would anyone want physical contact with the son of Hades?Better than summary.
Relationships: Nico di Angelo/Will Solace, Pre Solangelo - Relationship
Series: Touch [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045401
Comments: 4
Kudos: 196





	Desperation

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this really quickly on my phone, so if there's mistakes, sorry!
> 
> Also WARNING for internalized homophobia and self hatred. Also for implications to suicide.
> 
> Wrote this instead of sleeping... help.

Nico fled.

He didn't know where he was going, but he didn't care either, his only goal was to escape the all encompassing pain.

Bianca was gone.

Despite his efforts and his escape, the pain didn't disappear but only increased as an onslaught of thoughts attacked him:

I'm truly alone.

I'm homeless. 

I'm not wanted.

I'll never be wanted.

I'll never be loved again.

Finally, Nico came to a stop and collapsed against a tree, but the thoughts didn't leave. He was still alone.

He cast his eyes around him to check he was safe before taking a moment to rest. 

He was deeper in the woods than he had ever been allowed before, and he knew other demigods would never venture this far from camp, but he still felt as if he were too close. What if they looked for him? What if they found him? Did he really want to return to a place where he wouldn't be accepted, where he would be unloved?

No. He couldn't do that. He couldn't do that to himself even with the stirrings of self loathing flickering through his veins.

No. He needed to run further.

He attempted to stand, desperate to put more distance between him and the camp, but his knees buckled with exhaustion as soon as he tried, and he quickly gave up knowing it was futile. 

He cast his eyes around again and noticed a bush only five feet from him, and barely taking time to realise how uncomfortable it would be, he crawled over to it and skipped inside, not caring about the cuts on his cheeks the bush created.

"Just a nap can't hurt... they won't find me here." Nico mumbled to himself, drawing his knees up to his chest and immediately falling asleep as his pure exhaustion pounced on him.

PJOHOOTOA.

When Percy revealed that Bianca had iris messaged him and yet refused any attempts from Nico, his heart shattered.

Sure, he put on a front, he helped Percy but the pain was unbelievable, all encompassing, final. 

He had always suspected he was broken, how could he not be? But he had always hoped he could be fixed, a childish hope he had craved despite knowing he should give it up. It was too late now. Surely there was only so much glass could shatter before glue wouldn't mend it. Nico was that glass, and the super glue had come too late.

He had spoken to her briefly in the forest after the battle, and she had told him she planned on being reincarnated.

He had told he respected her decision, and he did, but it pained him. Clearly Bianca didn't want to see him even when he died and so she would move on.

He couldn't bear the thoughts.

Clearly she hated him, she had chosen to leave him after all. She hadn't wanted the burden.

A burden... that's all he was.

He was burden to Bianca for what had apparently been years, decades even, and as soon as she could she had shirked that responsibility. Even the ones that should love him, his own flesh and blood didn't.

As Bianca disappeared, Percy emerged from the tree line, face weary as he eyed the son of Hades, and it was clear how uncomfortable the son of Poseidon was. He didnt want to be in Nico's presence, but Nico wasn't surprised, there was a reason he spent so much time around the dead. 

Percy very briefly tried to persuade the boy to stay, but Nico could see the reluctance, the fear... the disgust.

Nico wasn't wanted at Camp Half Blood, the same way his Father wasn't wanted in Olympus. He would never have a place there, and Percy knew that, and yet the thought didn't bother him, further confirming Nico's suspicions. Percy only wanted him around when he was useful, and didn't that just break his heart further? He hadn't realised it was possible.

Percy briefly shook his hand as Nico made to leave, but pulled his hand back as fast as possible. He didn't want the prolonged contact, which made Nico nearly sob in frustration.

No one had hugged him since Bianca had left for the quest, no one wanted to, no one even wanted to touch him as if they were repulsed by his mere existence, and the feeling of being unwanted caused Nico to slip further behind a cold, angry, repressed mask.

As he left the woods, he slipped into the Labyrinth once more, finding a cool, secluded corner to sleep in, not caring about how the rough floor felt against his cool skin. The floor of the Labyrinth was better than a dark and cold alley, so he would take it any day. 

Just as sleep began to take, a thought emerged and Nico bolted upright.

Maybe Bianca knew he was gay, knew about his attraction to Percy, and that's why she wanted to be reincarnated, to spare the shame. 

Tears sprung to his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away. He couldn't cry. He couldn't show any perceived weakness. They would know and he couldn't bear that.

PJOHOOTOA.

After the battle in which Kronos had been defeated, Nico had briefly decided to stay at the camp, but his regret was almost immediate.

"Why is he still here? Surely he knows that, even with the new cabins built, he isn't wanted here?" A daughter of Aphrodite, Drew Tanaka, whispered to her friend.

"He's creepy as fuck. He should just leave." The son of Nike had responded.

The incidents, as Nico had referred to them, hadn't been isolated. Many times he heard it around the camp, and the pain in his chest became bigger.

It was a child of Hermes that had pushed him over the edge, making him flee in the dead on night once more.

"He's disgusting. People don't want to be in his presence."

"I know right." His friend had responded.

"When Drew asked whether I'd fuck, marry or kill him, she must have been joking. Who in their right mind wouldn't choose to kill? Can you imagine actually having to touch the little creep?"

The guys friend fake vomited, and Nico grabbed a bag and disappeared into the darkness.

PJOHOOTOA.

Finding Hazel wandering around the fields of Asphodel had seemed like a dream come true. Perhaps she wouldn't be disgusted by his presence. Perhaps she would want him around.

He was emotionally beaten again once he realised how quick she was to leave him once she had new friends. Sure she still acknowledged his presence, but each ever present scowl as called her 'sis' stomped further onto the fragments of his heart. 

Hazel didn't want him around, so as he slipped away from Camp Jupiter to head to find out how to close the doors of death, he didn't say goodbye, nor did he tell her where he was going.

PJOHOOTOA

He wasn't surprised when he got sucked into tartarus, how could he be? The fates had been against him from day one. The fact there was no barrier to protect his mind from the real vision of tartarus, a protection other demigods would possess, was just the icing on the cake.

Getting trapped in a bronze jar and surving because of the small number of pomegranate seeds in his possession? Not expected, but not surprising.

Being rescued was a surprise however, and the slight affection Hazel had afforded him once they were on the Argo II almost made it seem worth it if it had not been for his shattered mind to accompany his shattered heart.

Nico wasn't sure when he had become so desperate for affection, but he didn't like it. What was the point in desiring the impossible? He had done that once when he had crushed on Percy eben though it was clear the green eyed son of Poseidon would end up with Annabeth, and it had hurt, more than he cared to admit.

Desiring anything wasn't worth it, and Nico sunk lower into a tough facade.

PJOHOOTOA

Annabeth and Percy fell into Tartarus.

Nico had said he would take the others and meet them at the doors of death, he had promised.

This promise led to Nico having the first touch from someone who was not Hazel or wasn't harmful in nearly two years, and it had been unbearable.

Part of Nico felt as if he wanted to rip his skin off, shower for a week straight and curl up and forget as Jason had grabbed him. 

The other part of him, a part he was desperately still trying to quell wanted that touch, even though it hadn't been a positive one. He craved it as much as the air he breathed. He craved it to ineffable amounts.

Nico ignored the second part, and pulled away.

"I don't like to be touched."

Seeing his glare, Jason backed up. He'd got the message.

PJOHOOTOA

Nico shadow travelled them back to the ship and immediately pulled away and scaled the hull to sit on the mast.

He had touched Jason to bring him back to the ship and pulled away immediately after. He didn't see Jason's face but how could he not be disgusted by him? He was gay. Why would anyone want to touch him now?

PJOHOOTOA

Travelling with the Athena Parthenos had exhausted Nico, mentally, physically, emotionally.

Lycaon's scars littered his small frame, and it wasn't the pain that hurt most, nor was it the hasty stitches from Reyna. What hurt the most was how a mortal had moved across the street to avoid him.

Mortals had never claimed to be disgusted by him for being a son of Hades, primarily because they didn't know, so they had at least been comfortable within his vicinity. Lycaon's claws had changed that. No one wanted to be in his vicinity any more.

PJOHOOTOA.

The battle raged and was finally won, and Nico slumped at his Father's altar in his room, the one he shared with Hazel that had been separated by a sheet.

He had expected to die on the quest.

He had wanted it.

He hadn't got it. 

Once again, his desires were unattainable.

PJOHOOTOA

At the end of the campfire, Reyna hugged him.

"We had one home, now we have two."

Nico had squeezed her tighter and tried to suppress the sobs. He didn't want the camp to think him weak.

After a few moments Reyna pulled back and Nico immediately ducked his head to hide the few tears that had escaped. The hug had meant more to Nico than he would ever admit, but it was over, but he had relished the time he had it.

PJOHOOTOA 

Jason had hugged him, but Nico had both hated and loved it. The hug felt more as if it were born out of shame and pity which made him insides curl, but the mere sensation of physical touch made him love it.

Twice! Twice in two days he had been hugged, and it was more attention than he had received in years. It was incredible.

Nico felt happier than he had in a long time.

PJOHOOTOA

After speaking with Percy and Annabeth, Nico had followed Will, albeit reluctantly to the infirmary, and relief swept over him as he was shown to a private room.

"In here Death Boy, I need to run a few checks and get some information, okay?"

"Okay."

"Great, date of birth?"

"January 28th 1932."

Will raised an eyebrow, but seeing the seriousness on his patient's face ended up scrawling it down with no argument.

Will ran his through a few tests where they established that he was anemic, had a calcium deficiency and was severely underweight as well as dehydrated, before he asked to see if Nico had anymore injuries.

Will had paled at the sight of the oozing and seeping, and definitely infected stitches from Reyna, but had removed them and fixed them in no time, giving Nico a small square of ambrosia for good measure.

"I need to take your pulse now sunshine. I'll just need to put my fingers on your wrist and use the stethoscope to listen to your heart at the same time, is that okay?"

Nico scowled at the nickname but consented nonetheless.

It only took a brief moment from where Will's soft, warm fingers touched Nico's cold wrist, that hysterical sobs wrenched their way out of Nico's chest.

Will immediately dropped the stethoscope which landed on the floor with a deep thud, but he didn't drop Nico's wrist, but instead carefully wrapped an arm around the trembling son of Hades.

"Hey hey sunshine, what's the matter?" He murmured soothing.

Nico turned to face him, and Will immediately opened his arms fully to the boy with the broken eyes.

Nico didn't hesitate, but barrelled immediately into the chest of the deceptively strong healer.

"Nico, sunshine, what's the matter?" Will asked quietly as Nico continued to shake.

Nico clung to Will harder, but the son of Apollo didn't mind in the slightest.

"I'm sorry." Nico muttered, but he made no move to let go.

"There's nothing to be sorry about sweetheart, I just want to know how I can help. I want to help." Will promised.

"It's silly." Nico muttered as his sobs began to subside.

"Your emotions aren't silly Nico, they're valid, but I want to help."

Nico looked up and seeing the truth shine clearly from the blue eyes of Will Solace, he took a deep breath.

"It's hard to explain. It's stupid- I..."

"Nico." Will murmured.

"Touch. Affectionate touch, I've been craving it for years, since Bianca died, and then the jar, and Tartarus, the quests, the monsters..."

Will stiffened at the word Tartarus. Had Nico been there? 

Will quickly shook himself however, not giving himself time to dwell, at least not yet. He didn't want Nico to feel as if Will was uncomfortable.

"Nico darling, when was the last time you had prolonged physical attention from anyone? Not just the hugs from Jason and Reyna I've seen in the past two days."

"Since before Bianca died. I wanted it so bad, but I know what people say about me. I make their skin crawl, they don't want me near them, let alone touching them or them touching me... and I know that, but it hurts, it hurts so much and I want it so bad... I-" Nico choked off again.

"Nico di Angelo, listen to me right now. Who ever said those things about you were wrong, dead wrong, pun definitely intended." Will said which caused a flash of a weak smile on Nico's face which caused Will's heart to skip a beat.

Nico looked even more beautiful when he smiled, but Will immediately brushed it off.

It wasn't the time to be thinking about his year and a half long crush on the son of Hades, right now, Nico needed comfort.

"But-" Nico began to protest after a minute.

"No buts, they were wrong. It's not wrong for you to want be touched Nico, it's normal, it's human."

"But I want it so bad, and it hurts, and I don't know why."

"Nico, your touch starved, that's all. Many people get touch starved, people who have been through less than what you have. It's natural and completely solvable. You see how easily I touch you now? How comfortable I am?"

Nico nodded.

"Does this feel like it's helping?"

"Yes." Nico reluctantly admitted.

"Good. Touch starved people just need touch and affection. I'd recommend at least twice a day, more if you can, you come to me and we'll well...snuggle, okay? It'll help."

Nico blushed red violently.

"Are you sure? I mean-"

"Nico, I've never been more sure of anything. I'll even write a prescription if you want." Will said with an easy grin as he stared at the slightly younger but also older boy who was still snuggling against his chest.

"Okay." Nico finally agreed after a minute of silence, although not because he seemed uncomfortable with the idea of actually snuggling with someone.

"Good, and Nico?"

"Mmm?" He muttered tiredly as the tension began to seep out of him.

Will looked at him for a moment before shaking his head.

"It doesn't matter right now sweetheart. Take a nap." 

"Thanks Will." Nico muttered trying to pull away reluctantly.

Will pulled the boy tighter to his chest and stroked his hair softly.

"No problem."

**Author's Note:**

> Please review and leave kudos if you liked it!


End file.
